Monday, March 22, 2010

Feel free to comment...but this is a PIMP FREE ZONE!!

Whilst checking my unmoderated comments just now I came across a comment regarding the legality of the escort industry, and how it is now a properly regulated industry (er, since when exactly?) .
 It was posted in response to the results I had posted from http://www.escortsurveys.com/ (which as stated is not a survey I am in any way connected with).

I wouldn't have minded posting this comment, but what I thought was really taking the piss was that he included a link to his escort agency. In my view, male agency and parlour owners are the pits...nothing more than glorified pimps. They often come from wealthy backgrounds, and have had expensive enough educations to succeed in a milion and one other walks of life (unlike the girls from poor areas of eastern Europe that they tend to employ). They are greedy bastards just out to make a fast buck, and in the majority of cases  they do it off the backs of nubile young women. Needless to say I didn't publish Mark's comment, but I did send him a reply explaining why not:

"Hello,

In response to your comment on my blog at
http://workinggirlindublin.blogspot.com/2010/03/escort-scene-in-irelandand-men-that-use.html
I would like to point out that if you look closely it is not an "article", least of all one that has been written by myself.
It is in fact a selection of comments taken from men that took part in an escort survey in Ireland, and as stated in the blog all queries regarding it should be submitted to michelle@escortsurveys.com.
I am not a statistician, I am merely a former escort who blogs truthfully and bluntly about her own experiences whilst working in that industry. I would happily have allowed your comment on the blog (even though it relates to the legality of the escort industry which is not a topic I have discussed anywhere therein). However, I thought it was rather a cheap shot that your comment was posted with a link to an escort agency (I'm assuming YOUR agency).
Now, men who profit from women's prostitution incur my distaste at the best of times, and men who do so are known as pimps. I do not mind anybody commenting on my blog, but kindly do not use it to "pimp" your wares.

Kind Regards

Little Storm Cloud"

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Johns, tricks, punters, hobbyists, (aka clients)....the men you meet as an escort

I have met MANY types of males in this game, and although it isn't possible to categorize them ALL..you could say that they all fall into certain groups, and share similar traits...and most are not pleasant.

Mr 'Genuine': These are the punters you least resent dealing with. They are normally older men, say over 55, and for whatever reason they just cannot form relationships, often due to age or ill health. Many have been bereaved, or are nursing an infirm spouse. They simply don't have the chance to form relationships with females, and very often just seek companionship.This group has my sympathy for the most part.

However, the groups below, whose characteristics I will discuss in more detail below, generally earn only my contempt. The majority of these individuals are simply unwilling, or unable to form any kind of lasting relationship with anyone, and use prostitutes simply because it's an easy way to get their "kicks". Straight up sexual gratification is the name of their game, and these groups are always the hardest to deal with as they also like to delude themselves that you enjoy it as well (I know, they don't give up, do they?)...so with these guys cue ACTING SKILLS and harder work. Most of these men will be under 45, so that means more stamina, and more difficult for you to deal with. On the flip side, a large number of them will also be married, so will actually HAVE a life and hopefully leave you the fuck alone afterwards....

Mr 'Hobbyist': Now, the term hobbyist requires some explanation in the escorting context. Some men, in fact the majority of men that use prostitutes will do so "every now and again". It doesn't make up a substantial part of their life, and they will rarely see the same girl twice. These men are often in and out of relationships, and use escorts very occasionally when they feel like it. This leaves a second group of men who are known as "hobbyists", and these are people who pay for sex regularly, and over a prolonged period of time.
Hobbyists are exactly what the name suggests..they use escorts as a "hobby". They call an escort in the same way as most people call for a pizza. For these men, escorts have come to make up a substantial part of their lives. They will often be registered users on escort websites, and will write reviews. They will take a lot of time selecting and researching the escorts they use, and will often select women based on the sexual services they offer, i.e. two girl shows, unprotected oral, girlfriend experience etc. This is a group  myself and most of the escort community view with a mixture of pity and contempt.

Mr 'Nice Guy': Always nice, polite, presentable, charming...may seem like good boyfriend material, the type you'd take home to meet mother, but beware..they are usually hobbyists, and they were as nice to all the other escorts they've used as they were to you...in other words, they give us all the same spiel. These are the type you really need to be careful of as they can be disarmingly charming, but the old adage "If it seems to good to be true, then it probably is" would certainly apply here. If they really are such a "nice guy", then why are they using prostitutes? The younger they are, then the bigger the cause for concern...as we all know, guys who are under 35 normally shouldn't have a problem getting laid for free..but these guys are often fully fledged escort users, and may also be addicts. They are often hooked on the variety of sex they can obtain from escorts, and the feigned attraction and affection they get from these attractive women. Mr. 'Nice Guy' may often share some of the characteristics of Mr. 'Stalker' or Mr. 'Voyeur'. They will often extensively research the escorts they use, and during the encounter will try to make it as 'personal' and 'intimate' as possible. They will often want the full "girlfriend experience" to substitute the intimacy they otherwise are lacking. They will often want to talk a lot, and may want you to divulge personal details. The golden rule with these guys is to remember: A PUNTER IS A PUNTER, IS A PUNTER. Don't open the door ...these guys would like nothing more than to charm their way into your pants for free, and this particular type will be keen on seeing the same girls regularly. It is their fantasy that they will one day find one willing to shag them without payment involved.

Mr 'Kinky': Often confused with Mr. Nice, but can be differentiated on account of the naughty glint in the eye and the kinky activities that they secretly like to engage in. Now, like Mr. Nice, Mr. Kinky may often be pleasant, presentable, and come across as quiet and shy. But they have a naughty side that that they'd never discuss in polite company, and most probably not with the wife or girlfriend. "Naughty" is the definitive word with Mr. Kinky. He is the archetypal naughty schoolboy that never grew up, and probably never will..
Spanking, role play, school uniforms, and bondage are normally the orders of the day here, although he may have many  other 'kinks' such as transvestism, splodging etc. Mr. Kinky may often appear very unremarkable on the exterior, but is very drawn to the "naughty" or "forbidden". Some of his secret pleasures may well be pornography, and voyeurism, and he most likely spends a lot of time engaged in these activities.

Mr. Lonely: Now, let's face it, a lot of people use escorts because they are lonely, and all the different types mentioned may share these characteristics, but for Mr. Lonely, sexual gratification is not the sole purpose of the encounter. This character may be older, work very long hours, or be stuck in a lonely relationship for the sake of kids, and is often just desperate for someone to listen. Mr. Lonely often oversteps the escort/ punter agreement, and may end up falling in love etc. This type is generally more sincere. His motivation, unlike Mr. Nice, or Mr. Kinky is not just to get a free shag.

Mr. 'Stalker' / Mr 'Voyeur': This character is a very tricky customer to define, and one with which you need to exercise particular caution. Practically everything I have said above to define Mr. Nice Guy could be applied here, but this character is a bit more creepy, because he actually wants to get inside your head and your life. He feeds on it. He will research you extensively, usually on the internet trying to find information  about you. These characters again are also usually hobbyists. They will spend a lot of time scouring escort websites, and have probably registered on a few, and will write reviews. But these guys like to know from a distance what is going on in your life. They will search for things you have posted on message boards, search escort sites/ porn sites looking for pictures etc. They may tell you how much you remind them of their dead wife, or how much you look like the ex-girlfriend they've never quite gotten over...but as soon as you hear those kind of statements the alarm bells should be ringing...these don't tend to be mentally healthy people, and are the type most likely to engage in harassment.

Mr 'Regular': These guys are what the name suggests...regulars. This means they see you more than once, maybe twice, maybe 10 times. They could be any, or all of the above characters, but most often they are
Mr. Nice Guys.. Regulars are worth their weight in gold, as this is a sure source of income, and these fuckers know it.  A lot of punters who hope to become your "regular" or who want to see you again will attempt to ingratiate themselves with you by writing flattering reviews, or giving tips so that they get into your good books...ready for the next time they want to get into your knickers. I've lost count of how many times I've heard the line: "Well I'm not sure if you remember me......". No, actually tosser I don't. Why the fuck would I remember you?I took your cash, smiled sweetly, and forgot all about you same as every other punter that's ever walked in here and paid to fuck me (obviously that's what you're THINKING, but don't actually say it) Your reply should go along the lines of : "Oh yes.....you're that nice man from ..(think fast, insert location here)......OF COURSE I remember you! One of my best experiences ever!" or some other similar bullshit....It'll flatter them, and gain you a regular. ;-)

Mr 'Fetish': Mr. Fetish can be an interesting character. His sexual kicks come from fetishisms, and these are as diverse as you could imagine. Foot fetishes, food fetishes, tickle fetishes...the list is endless.
Fetishisms can include BDSM, domination, role play, pretty much anything....but the great thing about these guys is that they get more kicks from the actual "fetish" than the sex....so they won't be pounding away on top of you and obsessed with trying to "pleasure" you and  make you cum, unlike the more "vanilla" customers..(see below)

Friday, March 19, 2010

The things punters do when they're banging me that make me want to puke...TAKE NOTE!!!

Now, the very act of paying for a shag is in itself  pretty sleazy, and quite a turn off....but even more so when you're on the receiving end!! Punters come in all shapes and sizes, but here are a few of the stomach turning traits they all seem to share!!

1) The awful way they grit their teeth and screw up their faces and make grunting noises just before they cum.
-Now why oh why do you have to do this? It is so fucking animalistic and it scares the shit out of me!!
I hate it when you are banging away on top of me and I look up and see that strained look on your face and that desperate look in your eyes....yuck yuck yuck.!!

2) Trying to make me CUM.
-Now why oh fucking why are punters so obsessed with this? QUIT NOW...IT AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN YOU DIPSHITS!! You just paid €250 to jack off inside me, and that is VERY different to making love with a significant other...not that I would expect any of you to have ever done the latter, but trust me it is..
I have to spend my life in a state of theatricality with you people...moaning and gyrating like I'm lapdancing for Latvia, but TRUST me it's all bullshit!! You DON'T bring me pleasure, and I get pissed off with having to act like you do just to appease your oversized egos!!

3) Skid marks.
-Now these have to be just the grossest thing. Please guys, wash your ass cracks!! There is nothing more of a turn off!!

3)Body Odour.
-Goes without saying. Please take a shower. I don't ask you for no reason, and plus it helps use up some of the hour....10 minutes less that I have to have you in my immediate vicinity ;-)

4) Fingering me with long nails.
-I'd actually rather your tongue or fingers went nowhere near there, but seeing as you are determined to give me "pleasure" (or at least that's what I let you THINK you're doing) then cut your damned nails before inserting please!!

5) Copping a quick feel before you've handed over the cash.
-Don't even think about it.....

6) Asking me what I want.
-If you really want to know what I want, it's for you to leave €250 on the table then turn your sorry ass back round again and get the hell out!! !

6) Telling me you want me to enjoy it
-This is my JOB. Does a plumber ENJOY putting his hands down toilets? No. He gets paid to. No different with me..... Nuff said.

"In Hollywood they say there's no business like show business..in the hood they say there's no business like ho business.." -50 Cent (And he sure ain't wrong)

It's true that there really is no business like escorting. No business that offers the chance for such addictively fast cash in such a short space of time, and no business that will show you in such a short space of time what (some) men are really all about...
It's not THE most dangerous business around, but it's well up there in the top 10. And one of the main dangers of this trade is that once you're in then it hooks you...so many women are completely hooked on the fast bucks you can make (including me). The longer you're in the industry, then the harder it will be to exit...because once you cross that line into escorting don't think you'll be stepping back into normality any time soon. Something inside of you changes, and it changes for the worst. For starters, you'll lose any romantic illusions you once held about men and relationships...they really ARE all about one thing. You'll find yourself initially shocked at the bestiality of male sexuality, and the seemingly inherent ability that these men have to lie and deceive. Some of them are even lying to themselves, not just their "significant" others...
When you first start out you'll kid yourself that you can handle it, you're strong enough, and all these men that you don't even like or find attractive paying money to screw you has no impact....and then you'll try to leave and have a "normal" life, possibly a "normal" relationship...only then will you realise how much it has really wrecked your head. Every time your boyfriend is late home, you'll wonder what he's REALLY doing. You'll wonder if you are now on the receiving end of the same thing all those men's wives and girlfriends were with you, and then when you have sex, he'll do or say something and it'll remind you of a punter...
The other problem when you try and step back into the "real" world, aside from the lack of readily available income, is the fact that you find you've almost forgotten who YOU really are. You've become so used to putting on an act for €250 an hour that you almost lose the REAL you. Now to anyone who feels they are strong enough to handle this job, and has never suffered any kind of psychological distress, then I say fair play to you, and long may it stay that way......but to the many who have experienced considerable mental trauma, then I can only say: stay safe, make as much money as you can, ....then get the fuck out... xxx

Thursday, March 18, 2010

The top 10 list of charming/ stupid remarks I've heard from clients...just in case you thought chivalry was dead... ;-)

I thought it'd be fun to share with you my top ten list of little gems that the "gentlemen" who've visited me over the years have come out with...and they wonder why they're paying to get laid, huh??

Now before I begin with my TOP 10, Let's begin with the biggest hunk of bull***t heard by escorts time and time again: "I actually don't do this very often".
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA (Choke, cough, splutter) HAHAHAHAHA........yeah, right......whatever. Anyways, moving on...

Now the punters I've met have come in all shapes and sizes, and with varying types of personality disorders too...but even as a lady used to dealing with  male sexuality at it's most base level outlet, I never cease to be amazed by some of the things they come out with:

1) "Let's shag!"...well fuck me, what charm school did you attend, eh? This has to be the most common, and really does show male sexuality at it's most bestial and unimaginative. You know who you are, and if you have a wife/ girlfriend (which I somehow doubt) then it's no wonder you're visiting ME!!

2) "Let's fuck!" or "Let's screw!"...cruder, more vulgar variants of the above...again indicating an inability to progress beyond the most primitive level of sexual expression...(which is to hand somebody a wad of cash to let you bang them).

3) "Can I try without a condom?"- Well, dickhead, I shagged 6 other blokes today already...now, do you think that's REALLY a good idea? The fact you are even asking me indicates that you yourself are probably HIV positive, and are putting your dick/ tongue/ fingers in too many orifices already with no thoughts about the consequences. You clearly do not give a fuck about your own health.

4) "How old are you REALLY?"- It's none of your fucking business how old I am, I'm the age it says on the profile, and that's all you need to know. You paid to shag me, not settle down with me.

5) "Are you clean?"- Possibly the stupidest question I ever get asked, and does it piss me off or what?
As stated in a previous posting, if I WASN'T clean, do you really think I'd tell YOU? You WON'T be shagging me without a condom anyway, and if you want an unprotected bj, or to go down on me without a dental dam, then just remember that seven other guys had the same idea today already. "Did I use protection with the seven others that had their faces in my crotch before you even got here?" NO.
"Did I suck them off with no condom same as you want to do?" YES. Because, like you, their  powers of rational thought didn't extend past the end of their cocks either. It doesn't take a PHD in microbiology to figure that we are BOTH at risk, and that YOU have to take more responsibility here! Yes, I am a professional, and I take all practicable care with my sexual health, but amazing as I may be, my vagina is no more pathogen resistant than the next woman, and neither is your willy!!

6) "Go on, suck it you bitch, suck that cock you filthy bitch..."- Now this little gem has to attributed to a very "earthy" not so young man named Pete*, whose real name and location shall remain unmentioned. His real "thing" was talking "dirty" whilst shagging me and subsequently watching anal porn (usually involving black guys). I know for a fact this guy is actually married, but I can only assume she married him for the money...it clearly wasn't his charisma or personal hygiene. He is also chubby, smelly and covered in tattoos, plus his dick always stinks of urine. That said, he is a pleasant enough country lad...just not somebody you'd particularly want to shag (unless he was paying you). But hey, isn't that always the case?

7) "Oh my God, your pussy feels AMAZING!"-Great. I'm happy for you asshole, but why do you assume I want you to share that with me?!

8) "OOooh  yeaahhh, that's it...feel my cock inside you!"- Look, tosser, it's pretty fucking obvious it's inside me...and what makes you think I can actually feel it, or that it feels any different from the nine others I already had in there today?? LOSER!!!

9) "Do you want me to fuck you?" (Normally said before or during the sex act in a slightly embarassed quiet voice)- Oh, yes you big stud....I just can't fucking wait!! (NOT)

10) "Could we go out on a date sometime?" -This is so damned insulting. Do you SERIOUSLY think I work as an escort to meet trustworthy men with high moral standards for dating?!? OF  COURSE NOT!!

And last but not least ...

 "I want you to enjoy it as well" or  "Mmm...now what do YOU like?"-Well, whatever I like you can be assured I don't like or enjoy it with YOU...that's why I've just charged you 250 quid  ;-)

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

The Escort scene in Ireland...and the men that use it....WARNING: THE RESPONSES OF THE MEN TAKING PART IN THIS SURVEY MAY PERMANENTLY CONVERT YOU TO LESBIANISM (If you weren't already) ;-)

Below I have posted some remarks made by participants of a survey carried out in Ireland of men who use prostitutes....some interesting results...EVER WONDERED WHY THERE ARE SO MANY LESBIANS AROUND? WELL THEN READ BELOW...It is interesting to note that the main concern that most of these men have is the standard of "service" that they receive and how much they are being charged!! Just goes to show you that these boys really don't think further than the ends of their dicks, do they? A lot of these men view it as their right to be able to hand a woman a couple of hundred quid for their own sexual gratification, with no thought for her health or wellbeing....

Respondents were invited to leave a comment after completing the survey if they wished to. Here are some of the comments that were left:

"I think the biggest problem with escort services in Ireland is cost. The escorts are overcharging compared to their counterparts in Britain and Europe."

"I would be quite happy to get a strip, massage and hand-relief, as you would be offered 10 - 15 years ago, but the way the business has changed you are not offered that anymore. It is always full sex only on the cards as that means more money."

"I like girls with a positive attitude. I want the escorts I see to enjoy our meeting or at least take something positive from it."

"Far too many websites show fake pictures of girls, especially when it comes to agencies. I wouldn't mind seeing a picture of a average girl so long as she is who I am going to meet."

"I believe that all men who use escorts are lacking in some way shape or form, me included. I also believe that all escorts are victims and that no matter what some of them may say, they all hate what they do, it can only shatter their self esteem. I know since using escorts my self esteem has gone way down. I always hate myself afterwards."

"Ten years ago you would usually only get oral without a condom on the street, but nowadays it is widely available with escorts. I think the arrival of foreign ladies has really shaken up the service in this respect, also in relation to anal. It is also notable looking at escort websites how the number of Irish ladies has dropped."

"I think when you publish the results of this survey you should encourage any readers to report immediately to the gardai any escort whom they feel may be working under force/abuse etc."

"I really enjoy fucking the women because I know they don't enjoy it. I try to fuck them as hard as I can. I use viagra so my dick is still hard after I have cum and I can keep fucking them hard."

"I would prefer to see more Irish and Western European girls as i have a fear that some are being exploited, as they have little or no English."

"Prostitution needs to be legalised for the girls protection."

"There's too much 'Rip-off Ireland' when it comes to Irish escort / prostitution services."

"I use escorts because I, for whatever reasons, find it hard to pick up women. I am deeply concerned about exploitation of girls and if I had a more active sex life I would not use escorts."

"I think with the Internet it has got too easy to access escort services. I have become addicted and am trying to give it up. It is hard as it is an addiction like smoking, drinking, gambling or drugs. I think it will be a growing problem in Irish society."

"I have nothing but praise for 99% of the escorts that I have met. Most seem to really enjoy my company and I have even become friends with some. They can earn good money but they deserve it and enjoy their work most of the time from what I can see. For men like myself they offer freedom of choice to be or not to be in a relationship."

COMMENTS FROM MICHELLE OF ESCORTSURVEYS.COM:

"This survey has shown that the average Irish punter is a native white male, aged mid-twenties to mid-forties, highly educated, respectably employed, most likely in a relationship or married and using Irish escort services for sexual gratification.

There has been speculation before now that escort websites encourage the use of escort services and this survey appears to confirm that, with over 80% of the respondents indicating either that they feel escort websites have encouraged them to use escort services more or that they didn't use escort services prior to the existence of escort websites.

I was shocked by the responses the escort clients gave to the safe sex orientated questions. This survey indicates that dangerous unprotected sexual activities are currently commonplace in Irish escort transactions. I think more must be done to encourage safe sex in the Irish escort industry.

Irish escort clients have used this survey to make it clear that they feel escort services in Ireland are overpriced and that they would support further legalisation of prostitution.

Thankfully there are no indications from this survey that underage escorts are commonplace in Ireland, but this survey has not quelled fears regards human trafficking. Over a quarter of the respondents indicated that they had encountered an escort they suspected was being forced to work. Drugs, exploitation and physical abuse also seem to be problems in the Irish escort industry.


The attitude of Irish escort clients towards escorts they can see are vulnerable was split. Whilst most don't appear to want to see an Ireland of unhappy escorts and some are clearly concerned about the welfare of escorts, a significant number are showing a callous lack of care for escorts.


This survey has shown that Irish escort clients are often looking for kinkier sex with escorts than they would get at home, and that services such as anal sex are now widely available in Ireland.

It seems from this survey that Irish escort clients are also commonly engaging in sex tourism when visiting other countries."



© EscortSurveys.com. Please direct any comments / questions about this survey to michelle@escortsurveys.com. Please credit EscortSurveys.com if using the results of this survey.

Reviewers... the saddest of the sad....

Ok, so for those of you unfamiliar with the "review" systems that are so prominent on the Irish websites, it is basically where the punters (mainly hobbyists) get to write an account of their "encounter" with a particular escort and give her a mark out of 10, normally with their hand simultaneously down their pants...
Now in many cases the escorts want good reviews because this is what boosts trade...a lot of men will read escort reviews, and will only see an escort who has good reviews. In many areas, bad reviews could actually put a woman out of business. A lot of these men will write "good" reviews in a pathetic attempt to ingratiate themselves  with the escort so they can get a little bit "extra"  when they see her again...
I would just like to categorically state that I HATE the review system. I think it is REVOLTING to pay for sexual encounters with another human being, and then write about it online for all to read as if it were an item bought from e-bay. The most disgusting are the prolific reviewers that slate women for their lack of sexual responsiveness, or lack of "interest", and give them low scores. YOU ARE FUCKING PRIMITIVE!!!
You can't buy genuine affection or attraction from another person, they are only there in the first place because you are paying them!! The thing that I also hate is that if you happen to give a rat's arse about your own sexual health, then DON'T expect good reviews...yes, that's right ladies, these guys are too lazy to get a real girlfriend and that's why you have to PRETEND to be one...and that means AUTHENTICITY. Basically, these days you have to provide unsafe services like unprotected bj's, and let them go down on you without a dental dam...oh and kiss them too. If you don't do those things, then you won't get good reviews...they'll probably just write about you being too "clinical" or "mechanical".
A person is not a toy from from e-bay. To all those prolific reviewers out there (and yes, you know who you are) I hope that if you ever actually meet a woman for a proper relationship (yes, that means having somebody actually want to fuck you because they LIKE you), and that she is unaware that you are in fact some sad bastard who pays to get laid... that she finds all your vile reviews and sees you for what you actually are...

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Periods....the bane of the escort's trade...and the pitfalls of the old "bath sponge" trick...(yes, we've all been there) ;-)

Periods....an entirely natural occurence for every female, but for an escort a monumental pain in the ass.
Periods = LOSS OF TRADE, and given we're all in this game to make money that's not good news....
Now, personally I've never understood the squeamishness of men when it comes to THAT time of the month, and in fact  the second ever job I ever did was whilst I was having a full period. I was only 20 and given that menstruation is something I view as totally natural, I honestly didn't think guys would feel any differently...WRONG.
My second ever job was a guy named Steve*, and he was one of the few men I've ever met that was perfectly ok with the idea of sex during a period. However, the older guy I met after him held a very different view...he in fact stormed out and rang my then agency demanding his money back.....
Now this brings me to the old "bath sponge" .....a familiar trick of the trade to any escort who's ever been  caught at the "wrong" moment.....(and yes, we all have). Now for those of you who are unsure what I mean when I refer to the "bath sponge trick", it is basically what escorts do when they suddenly get their period and they NEED to work....such as when they're on tour and absoloutely booked solid, or just really broke and need to make money.
I found myself in this exact predicament whilst on tour in Cork, Ireland. I'd sorted the hotel, arrived, got changed, made up, and was all ready for business....and then it arrived.....and a quick trip to the bathroom confirmed that Liverpool were well and truly playing at home. FUCK!! Only an escort knows what that feels like, and how the crimson tide always picks the time when you most need to make money to arrive. I had a punter arriving in an hour, so what to do? I decided to call my friend, a very experienced Russian escort named Svetlana*  who operates in Ireland periodically under an assumed Scandinavian alias and nationality. Now I shall digress slightly here just to tell you that this lady is the BOLLOCKS. I LOVE HER!! She has got to be one of the most shrewd businesswomen I ever met, and razor sharp to boot. She is 38, but gets away with advertising on one of the main Irish sites as a 28 year old Scandinavian...and her reviews are always great so she can obviously pull it off. She once had some smart ass punter turn up and try to speak to her in the Scandinavian language of the country she advertises as being from...and she was able to answer him fluently....class or what? Anyway, a series of texts followed between myself and Svetlana regarding what I was going to do about my little "problem":
Me: "Hi hun, I've got a punter coming in an hour and I just got my period..what should I do?"
Svetlana: "Ok babe, lie down, spread your legs apart.. get a tampon....use plenty of lube...and push it as far up inside you as you can, then twist and rotate. But make sure you put in a fresh one after each job. xx"
Me: "Yuck....that sounds really painful. Are you sure it doesn't hurt? What if they can feel it?"
Svetlana: "No babe, just push it up far, and I promise you it doesn't hurt and they won't feel a thing".

So, I followed her advice....I got the tampon, lubed up my "love corridor"...and attempted to push it up there as far as possible. But it didn't work...I wasn't able to "rotate" the tampon as Svetlana had instructed, and
it wouldn't stay in place and kept falling out. DAMN. Now what was I going to do? So I texted Svetlana again:
Me: "Babe, it keeps falling out. My crutch isn't big enough to turn it round and keep it in there.What do I do now?"
Svetlana: "My God woman, you are impossible!! Its not fucking difficult Ive been doing it for years!! Ok, do you have a bath sponge?"
Me: "No, but I can probably get one..."
Svetlana: "Ok, get a bath sponge tear off a piece, and shove it up there as far as you can otherwise they will feel it. Try and use a piece no smaller than a match box, otherwise it could get stuck up there and you won't be able to get it out. Make sure you put a fresh piece in after each job."
It was a sunday, and  after a a lightning speed dash round the centre of Cork, I was able to find NO open chemists. All the time, my appointment was getting closer and closer, and I  was still bleeding. Eventually, I was able to find a Convenience store close to where I was staying that sold pan scrubbers...you know, the kind with the green gauze like stuff on top, and the yellow sponge at the bottom. Time was now of the essence. "That'll have to do" I told myself. Back at the hotel, I squeamishly cut off a piece of the yellow sponge at the bottom of the scrubber, lubed myself up and shoved it up there.....
Anyway, the booking came and went. Luckilly, the sponge stayed in place, despite the fact the punter was banging away like there was no tomorrow, and there was no visible evidence after he pulled out. So far, so good. After he left, I then stuck two fingers up there to try and get the sponge out....but I couldn't feel it. It had gotten so far wedged up there that I couldn't get it out!! I ended up spending the next hour crouching down in all manner of weird and wonderful positions in order to get the right angle so that I could get my fingers up there to  reach the piece of sponge and actually pull it out. Hilarious as it may sound, be very careful when resorting to the  "bath sponge trick" ....only use it if you absoloutely HAVE to work during your period. On another, and more serious note, make very sure you put a piece in large enough for you to reach up and remove after each job, and never leave it stuck up there longer than necessary. It could cause a serious infection, and I am now on antibiotics due to a suspected  infection of my fallopian tubes which I think may have been caused by this, although the doctor at the G.U.M clinic thinks it is sexually transmitted. Ahh...the things we do for love...(sarcasm)

Saturday, March 13, 2010

The parallels between Escorts and Actresses..because that's all we really are, and damned good at it too!! ;-)

"When you think about it, we actors are kind of prostitutes. We get paid to feign attraction and love. Other people are paying to watch us kissing someone, touching someone, doing things people in a normal monogamous relationship would never do with anyone who's not their partner. It's really kind of gross. "


Megan Fox

The above quote sums up perfectly the role of both the actress AND the escort. Think about it...how does an actress get more work and gain more popularity? She's only as good as her last performance, and her last reviews and it's exactly the same with us escorts...our performance and our reviews are our bread and butter.
All the successful escorts are incredibly good actresses, and shrewd businesswomen. The name of the game in escorting is to be CONVINCING. The men paying to be with you want to honestly believe that you LIKE them, and ENJOY having sex with them. As I've said in a previous post, the name of the game is to get repeat customers, because a regular is worth his weight in gold. Now  the men paying you for sex generally don't look like George Clooney (if they did they wouldn't be needing to pay for it, now would they?) and you are not in the least bit physically attracted to them. That's where the escort must bring out her inner actress. She has to make that man feel like she's totally into him, and that he's giving her pleasure as a lover.
As I've said before, a guy doesn't want to feel like he's shagging a pillow, but neither does he want a false, overdramatic performance. The bottom line is that if the customer thinks he is giving YOU pleasure, the HE will get pleasure. Sure, you don't fancy him, he's not your boyfriend, and you don't enjoy sex with him...but if you want him back as a repeat customer then you have to act like he's the best thing you ever had...and this means being FRIENDLY, ATTENTIVE, AFFECTIONATE, AND BEING ABLE TO FEIGN SEXUAL RESPONSIVENESS CONVINCINGLY. You have to remember that most of these guys are pretty clueless when it comes to women and relationships generally, and if they weren't then they wouldn't be with you...so therefore faking sexual enjoyment is not a big deal, providing you don't go overboard and make it look false.

HOW TO FAKE A VERY CONVINCING ORGASM

Ok, so we've all seen when Harry met Sally and the infamous restaurant scene...but being vocal is not the main issue when it comes to faking sexual enjoyment..it's physical.

1)LUBE: When women get sexually aroused they become wet in the vaginal area, so ALWAYS make sure you are well lubed up with a good water based lubricant before a punter arrives.

2)PASSION: A female orgasm is a very intense and passionate sensation, so you need to MOVE with passion. Hold the guy tightly, kiss them on the mouth hard, feign feeling...ACT!! Imagine it's George Clooney on top of you or someone to whom you are strongly sexually attracted. Switch yourself over into an entirely fake persona...for the remaining 40 minutes of this booking you are now a sex goddess!!!

3)CONTRACT: When we orgasm our vaginal muscles contract, so an important part of faking an orgasm is contracting your vaginal muscles hard around his dick. We should all do our pelvic floor exercises daily, as they help strengthen the vaginal wall, and are very easy to fit into our daily routines.
The pelvic floor muscles are the muscles you use to stop urine flow, so next time you go for a pee, stop suddenly mid flow. Do pelvic floor exercises daily whilst standing, or sitting. Simply contract them and hold for a few seconds and then release. If you don't contract these muscles during sex with a punter he'll probably know that you didn't really orgasm.

4) BREATHING: During sex your breathing needs to speed up to make it look like you're building up to orgasm, almost in a panting like way...and after you sould almost try and act like you're gasping to give a realistic effect..

5) NOISE AND MOVEMENTS: These are what the punter will probably notice most, and are what will alert him to how much you're enjoying his dick/ oral skills...or not, as the case may be...
To convincingly feign sexual pleasure you need to send the lower part of your body into a series of rapid, sharp contractions and movements. You need to start the build up to the grand finale by making soft, pleasurable, moaning sounds...move with his body and try to follow the same rhythm..gradually make the moans louder and more intense, all the while contracting your vaginal muscles...and build up to a louder, intense final moan, taking several sharp intakes of breath, and jerking your lower body violently upwards. Now this is where you really have to act...he WANTS to see the pleasure in your face, because he wants to feel like a man. So, when you make that final last moan your face has to show pleasure, and intensity..you have to close your eyes and gasp....then slowly gasp...imagine...and really convince yourself that this is the best sex you ever had in your entire life with the hottest guy you ever saw... I might post an audio clip of how to fake a brilliant (vocal) orgasm on here later...but in the meantime check out the following song......and pay attention to the moaning in the background...Jane Birkin became the most censored girl in the world due to this VERY realistic impersonation of an orgasm!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wgacX35zBck

But remember, do not over act...this is not a low budget porno, and a customer sure won't appreciate it if you act like it is...REMEMBER: YOU ACTING LIKE YOU'RE SATISFIED=HAPPY PUNTERS=REPEAT BUSINESS=GOOD REVIEWS

Friday, March 12, 2010

"What's my name?...well what do you want it to be?" ;-)

Ok, so the above line has been semi ripped off from the film Pretty Woman, but it highlights an interesting issue about the psyche of men that use prostitutes, and the fact that they seem so uncomfortable with reality....many of these men really do live in their own little bullshit fantasy worlds, and I think nothing illustrates this better than the reviews that are posted on the many escort sites.
I am not going to name any names, but I recently had a review posted about me on one of the most popular Irish Escort Websites by a very prolific reviewer. He stated that I was a "beautiful looking lady", but yet he found our "encounter" to be a bit "robotic".
Hmmm...ok then Patrick*...so you found our encounter a bit "robotic" did you? Well, let's examine some possible reasons for this....

1)You are an unknown male that walked in off the street and paid me, YES, I REPEAT PAID ME to have sex with you. I am NOT your girlfriend. I don't find you physically attractive and if you hadn't paid me €250 I wouldn't even look at you let alone screw you.
2)Our encounter was not one engaged in for mutual pleasure due to mutual attraction, it was on my part, and that of all the other ladies doing my job engaged in for no other reason than financial gain. If you, or any others like you actually believe otherwise, then I think you need a serious reality check.
Even though I appease your male egos by smiling sweetly, kissing you goodbye, and making all the right noises, it doesn't change the fact that all you and your friends are to me is a monetary transaction. My sole objective is to get you back again and spending more money...brutal, but true.
3)If you want more than this then I would suggest that you stop being so frigging lazy, and get a REAL girlfriend. Oh I forgot...you can't, can you? That's why you are a serial prostitute user.

I notice that you are an established client on one of the more prominent Irish escort sites, and that over the last three years you have clocked up a total of 80 reviews posted about different escorts. This means that in the last three years you have shagged approximately 2 escorts per month, in total 80 different women...and then written about the encounters online for all to read...you really must be one sad, and dysfunctional individual, and in dire need of getting something that's known as ..A LIFE!! Apart from being extremely distasteful, this is frankly just not a very nice way to interact with your fellow human beings now, is it? Paying women to have sex with you, and then writing about it online afterwards? And especially slating them for not being "interested" or "responsive". As I previously said, men like you hire the escorts for pleasure. The escorts are only letting you through the door in the first place because you're paying them, and for a variety of reasons they need the money. That should tell you all you need to know. They sure as hell wouldn't fuck you for free. And there lies the difference between "sex" and a "transaction" between escort and punter.
1)Sex is a mutually enjoyable, consensual activity engaged in by two people that like each other because they want to. It isn't hard to find, and involves REAL affection and intimacy.
2) A client/ escort transaction is the payment of money to another person in exchange for a very well polished ACT of intimacy and affection whilst providing sexual services. It isn't genuine, it's all fantasy and as soon as you're out the door it's forgotten...until next time you want to come back and spend more money of course.

Never mind Patrick, you may one day figure out how to actually form a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship with another human being. You may meet some sweet, needy, nubile young thing who has never worked as an escort and still sees the best in people....just make sure she doesn't see all those reviews you posted. But most likely, as with the majority of other escort users, you will still continue to use prostitutes for the simple reason that ...YOU CAN.

And as for the quote from Pretty Woman at the start of this post? Well, It basically means you can be anything you want to be or anything you think someone wants you to be. Either way, you have to watch who you're dealing with and what their true intentions are.

*Name changed for privacy reasons

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

THE ESSENTIAL ESCORT GUIDE...Or things I wish somebody had told me about 10 years ago

There are a hundred and one guides out there for rookie escorts, so I'm going to attempt to share my own experiences, and hopefully provide a little advice for anyone considering entering the profession. I must give credit for some of this to SW5 in London. This is a fantastic project for sex workers, based in London. Check out their website for some valuable info. I'm going to write a longer, far more detailed section dedicated solely to Sexual Health later in the blog. Please watch this space.

Well, let's consider first of all the job itself...the perks and the pitfalls. First of all:

1) Escorting is DANGEROUS. Period. Don't be seduced by the bullshit novels (Belle de Jour please take note- you didn't write about the girl whose severed head was found in a fridge, now did you?), and the glossy websites. Pretty Woman was just a movie. You should never underestimate the potentially enormous risks you are taking with your own personal safety when you do this job. Just to clear up any illusions: ESCORTS GET FUCKED BY CLIENTS. Beware of agencies stating that they recruit escorts for companionship only, they are scams. Nobody pays that kind of money just to look at you: sex will always be expected. If you are going to operate as an escort, your main priority has to be to operate as safely as possible. Don't think that the men you will be meeting will be an endless stream of Richard Geres either. Nothing could be further from the truth. The fact that somebody is paying money to purchase a sexual encounter should tell you a lot about how they interact with their fellow human beings, and the truth is that many of these men struggle to form mutually satisfying, healthy intimate relationships. A lot of them are paying for sex because otherwise they simply wouldn't get any. The sex you have with clients is an act, but it's made more difficult because in order to get the repeat business, you have to ACT like you enjoy it, and ACT like you enjoy THEM. This is tough, because in many cases were you not being paid, you wouldn't even look at half these guys, let alone shag them!! But the male psyche being the strange and complex thing that it is, these guys want to believe that you are into it as much as they are, so 99.9% of this job is being a very good actress. As in any kind of business, the name of the game is to get repeat customers coming back again to spend more money. For this, you have to tap into that old male fantasy of the prostitute who actually enjoys her job..even though you may hate it, you must always tell the client how mush you love being an escort, and how much you love them... They are not paying €250 to be with a miserable, troubled soul that clearly isn't into them, hates her job, and talks about her latest boyfriend. No. They want a sexual dynamo, all sweetness and smiles, and who makes THEM feel good, and who (acts) convincingly that she enjoys sex with them and can make them feel like they are the best lover she ever had. If you can manage that, then you will get repeat custom. Whilst punters clearly don't want to feel like they are shagging a pillow, they are also unlikely to make a repeat booking if you act like something out of a low budget porno film. The bottom line is that you have to be natural and convincing. It short ladies, you got to fake it to make it, and convincingly. I'll be writing an in depth guide to this later.....

In the escort industry, it has to be said you will meet more than your fair share of troubled, disturbed, socially maladjusted, lonely, and psychologically unhealthy people, and that often applies to both escorts and punters alike. Be VERY careful who you trust. It is a very cut throat industry, and be aware that people profiting from prostitution tend not to be very nice. Many Escort websites, and Escort agencies are run by crooks, and are often fronts for other criminal activity such as human trafficking. One well known Irish website is covered in anti-trafficking blurb, and yet openly advertises trafficked girls operating from a brothel in Cork.

2) Where to operate? Hotel or apartment?- Well, my answer to this from a personal safety perspective would be "hotel everytime". If you are working alone, this would be by far the safest option, but even then there are risks involved. With a hotel, you at least know that as soon as a punter walks into a hotel he is on CCTV, and he knows it. However, there are men that won't visit hotels for that very reason. Also, hotel staff are not stupid. They know who is staying in the hotel, and they know who isn't. They can spot men walking into hotels to visit prostitutes a mile off, and if they suspect you are selling from their premises they are entitled to ask you to leave. Even in a hotel room there are no guarantees, and you are still vulnerable. If at all possible try to work with a male friend close by, or at very least call somebody every time a punter arrives and when they leave, and establish what they will do if you do not make contact after the hour is up. ALWAYS, I REPEAT, ALWAYS MAKE SURE THAT SOMEBODY KNOWS WHERE YOU ARE, AND THAT MEANS HOTEL, ADDRESS, AND ROOM NUMBER. Ideally, also text the mobile phone number of the punter coming to see you/ or that you are visiting to a third party for double back up.
Have an escape plan in place for what you will do if it kicks off, and how you will get out of there. Try to plan an escape route in advance from the place you are working. A panic alarm is a good idea, although  I would not advise keeping any kind of weapon in the room, as these could be used against you by an attacker, however I know many escorts do. I was once offered a handgun by a former soldier to use as protection, and clearly being in posession of an unlicensed firearm could land you in serious trouble. Obviously, the laws surrounding firearms are different in the USA, but in the U.K and Ireland it is illegal to posess them unlicensed. The laws in Ireland and the UK surrounding self-defense and what constitutes "reasonable force" against an attacker are complicated, and it's a very grey area. As a rule, posession of any Offensive Weapon, be it a knife, gun, screwdriver, baseball bat will land you in deep shit if you are unable to prove a legitimate reason for it being in your posession. "I carry it for self defence" just won't cut it, and is not legally an acceptable defence. I'm going to write a more detailed guide to self defence later, but the following are two simple actions that can buy you just enough valuable seconds to get out of a dangerous situation:

1) If possible always have NAIL EXTENSIONS!! They look great, the punters like them, and they can make fantastic weapons if the shit does go down. If someone grabs you, jab them in the eyes as HARD as you possibly can with both index and middle fingers. Don't be squeamish, and don't worry about blinding them...they've tried to attack you. This should hopefully buy you a  precious few seconds.
2) It goes without saying, but make as much noise as possible, scream shout, throw things, and use anything you have to defend yourself...bite, scratch, and kick as much as you can.
3)Another way to stun an attacker is to jab very hard into their trachea, which is the soft indent  in the centre of their throat. This will be painful and make them catch their breath, again buying you a few seconds to get away.
4) Kicking them in the balls, tempting as it may be, could be risky...although clearly very debilitating, I have been told that the intensity of pain could actually send an attacker into an even greater rage.

When it comes to punters, a general rule to follow is this: NEVER FULLY RELAX, AND NEVER FULLY DROP YOUR GUARD. THE DAY YOU DO WILL BE THE DAY YOU CAN LEAST AFFORD TO. YOU NEED TO VIEW EVERY ONE AS A POTENTIAL THREAT, AND THEY DO SAY THAT IT'S THE QUIET ONES YOU HAVE TO BE CAREFUL OF..

Don't ever be disarmed by the charmers, the smilers, and the sweet talkers...men are genetically programmed to deceive...they are genetically programmed to get sex however necessary. Peter Sutcliffe and Jack the Ripper were apparently both very charming characters....it's a common trait of psychopaths. When it comes to punters, TRUST NO ONE AND TRUST NO ONE.....Just remember, they're paying for sex for a reason....


You should always take bookings only from a customer who has a mobile number that you can call back on if necessary. When it comes to outcalls, then you need to be twice as careful. Only visit a customer in a hotel if you have their full name and booking reference number. Call the hotel in advance and check this. Think VERY carefully about taking bookings at a private residence. If you decide to do so, then INSIST upon a landline number, and a full name which you can then check with directory enquiries. If they cannot provide this, then don't go. Ideally, have somebody wait outside for you in a car whilst the booking takes place. If the punter protests about this, then TOUGH SHIT. It's for your safety, and if they won't comply it's a booking you don't need.

3) Escorts and drugs/ booze- Ok, so we all know that drug and alcohol use are very prevalent within the industry, and indeed many escorts are very reliant upon them to do the job. However, being drunk or high makes you very vulnerable, and if you're too out of it to drive then you're probably too out of it to work safely. Be vary wary also about using with clients, or drinking with them. If you drink, only accept a non-alchoholic drink from a sealed container.Many escorts have a "stiff drink" before a job to loosen them up, however alcohol obviously slows your reactions and impairs your judgement. Be especially wary of anybody asking you to provide or supply drugs. I actually know of an incident in Ireland where a girl had supplied coke for a client, and the guy died of a heart attack whilst "on the job". This is a nightmare situation, because the first thing the cops will do is to go through the guy's phone records, and BINGO....there's your number! Possession/ supply of Class A drugs=DEEP SHIT. DON'T DO IT.


4) To review or not to review?- Reviews of escorts written by punters have grown in popularity over the years, and many escorts want them because they boost business. Reviews can be a double edged sword. Firstly, many will not always be positive. Some can be extremely sexually explicit. You also have to ask do you really want your innermost personal details laid bare for all to wank over? Just remember that the reviews will be around a lot longer than you are. Many sites will not remove negative reviews, so think carefully if you want them at all. It is very easy to write fake reviews, but make sure you do it from a public computer, because the sites these days log all I.P. addresses of people posting reviews on their sites. If you play that game, you have to be smart. If you want any fake reviews written that are extremely good and very convincing, leave me a message and i'll get back to you.

5) PRACTICE SAFE SEX FOR ALL ACTIVITIES- Ok, so we all know the importance of condoms for penetrative anal and vaginal sex, but don't forget that many STD's such as Chlamydia, Herpes, and Gonorrhoea can all be passed on through unprotected oral sex as well. Unfortunately, many guys insist upon unprotected BJ's, and aren't happy to let you use a dental dam when they go down on you, and frankly it just shows their stupidity. t's a tough call, but you have to use your own limits and decide if unprotected oral is a risk worth taking.

Staying out of the sex industry...if only someone told me how hard it could be..

In these recessionary times, I find myself not at a good place. Unemployed, on the dole, and trying to stay out of the sex industry. I've got to tell you the temptation to return is enormous, I mean let's be honest, and without wishing to be crude you can earn just for opening your legs what most people would have to work all week for. Ok, you may not enjoy it, but who the hell does enjoy their job? And they most likely aren't getting paid €250 an hour for the privilege...

But I think that's the problem once you get involved in the industry...it becomes just about all you can do after a while, simply because you'll find it so hard to ever work for a normal wage. Nobody tells the girls straight that it won't last forever, and whilst there are a large number of women who start working over 40, it is I think a different, harder type of market to reach at that time of life. Escorting is almost the worst thing that a young woman can start doing, because all of a sudden you are making crazy amounts of money for doing very little...trust me, punters are pretty damn predictable, and getting a man off isn't exactly rocket science..but with all this money it's "easy come, easy go". Some people think it'll last forever, and they forget about all the other pitfalls associated with prostitution, such as lack of exit oportunities, and the problem of justifying all those gaps on your CV a few years down the line..these are things I wish I'd thought about a few years back when I started. Let's not also forget the fact that this job is very much "high risk, high profit". Statistically, prostitutes are the members of society most likely to die a violent death, or be robbed, and then of course there's the significantly elevated risk of sexually transmitted infections. I myself am currently on antibiotics due to an infection which doctors think is possibly sexually transmitted, and I have never engaged in unprotected penetrative sex. Just goes to show you that condoms are obviously not 100% guaranteed doesn't it? The fact is, then when it comes to getting their leg over, the majority of men are inherently stupid....they see a pretty face and a pair of tits and all common sense and concern for their own sexual health goes straight out the window.

When I started working as an escort in Dublin I started advertising on two main Escort websites: http://www.irish***********escorts.com/ and http://www.******-ireland.com/. I was absoloutely horrified to see that each girl's profile actually gave details of what sexual services they were selling through use of abbreviations. For those of you unfamiliar with these, I will provide below an example of the abbreviations appearing on the sites and their meanings:

OWO- Oral Without (means giving a blow job without a condom)

GFE- Girlfriend Experience (means acting with a punter like you are their girlfriend, so basically kissing, cuddling, and feigned intimacy).

69- Simltaneous fellatio and cunnilingus. Basically the girl sits on the guy's face whilst giving him oral sex.

BBW- Big beautiful woman.

A/ A-Levels- Anal sex.

Reverse Oral- Cunnilingus (pussy eating)



Now, to my mind, posting on any site that you provide these services is MONUMENTALLY friggin stupid...you are posting an online admission for all to view that you are selling sexual services, and are in fact just a straight-up prostitute even though there is a disclaimer on the sites stating that: "All the escorts listed on ********* charge for their time and companionship only. Anything else that may occur is a matter of coincidence and choice between consenting adults."

Bullshit!! You just posted for every Tom, Dick, or Harry to read that you take it up the ass!!!

Also, and this majorly pisses me me off, but why are punters dumb enough to think that condoms only need be used for penetrative sex, and that getting an uncovered blow job, or giving uncovered oral to an escort that probably already shagged five guys before you got there is safe?? It kinda gives the expression "licking the bowl out" a whole new meaning, doesn't it? Every escort at some stage or other has needed to partake of the old "Mexican" or "Slut" shower (dictionary definitions appear below) simply because we often just don't have time to have a proper shower between clients. Especially when you're on tour, it's like a conveyor belt system, you hardly get time to breathe between each job, let alone take a shower!! Baby wipes are to Escorts what Flour is to a  baker....did I ever call you and say I'm running late?? Well what I actually mean is that the last punter isn't even out the door yet, I didn't have time for a proper wash, so you need to give me a few minutes for a quick going over with the baby wipes before you can come in....

(Dictionary definitions courtesy of Urbandictionary.com)

1)Slut Shower

When a guy cums on you and you clean it off with tissues or baby wipes and go about the rest of your day without washing it off properly. It saves time.

"After Steve blew his load on me I got some baby wipes, took a slut shower and went back to work."

2) Mexican Bath 
When instead of taking a shower, a person uses a bunch of baby wipes to clean their Face, neck, underarms, groin, hands etc. Usually due to the large number of children that Mexicans have, to save on water they will do this. Hence the term. (Apologies to any Mexicans reading this, I did not coin this expression)

John: Yo, I don't have time to shower and change and get to the show.

Billy: Just get some of those baby wipes and take a Mexican Bath!

I remember the days when no escorts would provide or receive unprotected oral, or often even kiss...full stop. Unfortunately, when the E.U. expanded this meant an increase of escorts, and many of them were willing to provide risky and unprotected services. This means that now, an escort has little choice but to offer services like OWO, or french kissing, and she dare not ask a guy to use a dental dam when he gives her oral....otherwise she just wouldn't make her money, because these are the services punters want.

They do say that a standing prick has no conscience, and it's a shame some of these guys can't see past the end of their pricks when it comes to their own sexual health. Purrrrrleaase people stop being so damn slack and think with your brains not your cocks..... How many of you have even had a full sexual health screen, despite being regular users of prostitutes?? Unfortunately, it's all about "sensation" with these fuck sticks...you're the only way they can escape from their own monotonous existences...

The most dumbass question I hear from clients time and time again has to be: "Are you clean?"
For fuck's sakes, if I wasn't do you honestly think I'd tell YOU? You are the dumbass that wants an uncovered bj, and to go down on me without a dental damn because you think it will detract from both our "pleasure". Well, sucker let me tell you that I probably service in excess of 10 guys a day, and like you they all had the same idea...so do a little risk assessment, huh? It doesn't take a PHD in microbiology to figure that it's not a smart move....

Do I want to suck your dick without a condom over it? No!! I hate the smell, and appearance of dicks anyway, and I do not want your manky tool in my mouth without some kind of latex barrier attached..fuck knows where it's been, or what's growing on it...

Do I want you to lick me out with no dental dam, and leave us both open to herpes, chlamydia, HPV and God knows what else? No!!
Did six other guys already have their faces in my pussy before you even arrived? Yes. Did I use protection with them either? No. You, therefore must take some responsibility...