Periods....an entirely natural occurence for every female, but for an escort a monumental pain in the ass.
Periods = LOSS OF TRADE, and given we're all in this game to make money that's not good news....
Now, personally I've never understood the squeamishness of men when it comes to THAT time of the month, and in fact the second ever job I ever did was whilst I was having a full period. I was only 20 and given that menstruation is something I view as totally natural, I honestly didn't think guys would feel any differently...WRONG.
My second ever job was a guy named Steve*, and he was one of the few men I've ever met that was perfectly ok with the idea of sex during a period. However, the older guy I met after him held a very different view...he in fact stormed out and rang my then agency demanding his money back.....
Now this brings me to the old "bath sponge" .....a familiar trick of the trade to any escort who's ever been caught at the "wrong" moment.....(and yes, we all have). Now for those of you who are unsure what I mean when I refer to the "bath sponge trick", it is basically what escorts do when they suddenly get their period and they NEED to work....such as when they're on tour and absoloutely booked solid, or just really broke and need to make money.
I found myself in this exact predicament whilst on tour in Cork, Ireland. I'd sorted the hotel, arrived, got changed, made up, and was all ready for business....and then it arrived.....and a quick trip to the bathroom confirmed that Liverpool were well and truly playing at home. FUCK!! Only an escort knows what that feels like, and how the crimson tide always picks the time when you most need to make money to arrive. I had a punter arriving in an hour, so what to do? I decided to call my friend, a very experienced Russian escort named Svetlana* who operates in Ireland periodically under an assumed Scandinavian alias and nationality. Now I shall digress slightly here just to tell you that this lady is the BOLLOCKS. I LOVE HER!! She has got to be one of the most shrewd businesswomen I ever met, and razor sharp to boot. She is 38, but gets away with advertising on one of the main Irish sites as a 28 year old Scandinavian...and her reviews are always great so she can obviously pull it off. She once had some smart ass punter turn up and try to speak to her in the Scandinavian language of the country she advertises as being from...and she was able to answer him fluently....class or what? Anyway, a series of texts followed between myself and Svetlana regarding what I was going to do about my little "problem":
Me: "Hi hun, I've got a punter coming in an hour and I just got my period..what should I do?"
Svetlana: "Ok babe, lie down, spread your legs apart.. get a tampon....use plenty of lube...and push it as far up inside you as you can, then twist and rotate. But make sure you put in a fresh one after each job. xx"
Me: "Yuck....that sounds really painful. Are you sure it doesn't hurt? What if they can feel it?"
Svetlana: "No babe, just push it up far, and I promise you it doesn't hurt and they won't feel a thing".
So, I followed her advice....I got the tampon, lubed up my "love corridor"...and attempted to push it up there as far as possible. But it didn't work...I wasn't able to "rotate" the tampon as Svetlana had instructed, and
it wouldn't stay in place and kept falling out. DAMN. Now what was I going to do? So I texted Svetlana again:
Me: "Babe, it keeps falling out. My crutch isn't big enough to turn it round and keep it in there.What do I do now?"
Svetlana: "My God woman, you are impossible!! Its not fucking difficult Ive been doing it for years!! Ok, do you have a bath sponge?"
Me: "No, but I can probably get one..."
Svetlana: "Ok, get a bath sponge tear off a piece, and shove it up there as far as you can otherwise they will feel it. Try and use a piece no smaller than a match box, otherwise it could get stuck up there and you won't be able to get it out. Make sure you put a fresh piece in after each job."
It was a sunday, and after a a lightning speed dash round the centre of Cork, I was able to find NO open chemists. All the time, my appointment was getting closer and closer, and I was still bleeding. Eventually, I was able to find a Convenience store close to where I was staying that sold pan scrubbers...you know, the kind with the green gauze like stuff on top, and the yellow sponge at the bottom. Time was now of the essence. "That'll have to do" I told myself. Back at the hotel, I squeamishly cut off a piece of the yellow sponge at the bottom of the scrubber, lubed myself up and shoved it up there.....
Anyway, the booking came and went. Luckilly, the sponge stayed in place, despite the fact the punter was banging away like there was no tomorrow, and there was no visible evidence after he pulled out. So far, so good. After he left, I then stuck two fingers up there to try and get the sponge out....but I couldn't feel it. It had gotten so far wedged up there that I couldn't get it out!! I ended up spending the next hour crouching down in all manner of weird and wonderful positions in order to get the right angle so that I could get my fingers up there to reach the piece of sponge and actually pull it out. Hilarious as it may sound, be very careful when resorting to the "bath sponge trick" ....only use it if you absoloutely HAVE to work during your period. On another, and more serious note, make very sure you put a piece in large enough for you to reach up and remove after each job, and never leave it stuck up there longer than necessary. It could cause a serious infection, and I am now on antibiotics due to a suspected infection of my fallopian tubes which I think may have been caused by this, although the doctor at the G.U.M clinic thinks it is sexually transmitted. Ahh...the things we do for love...(sarcasm)
Periods = LOSS OF TRADE, and given we're all in this game to make money that's not good news....
Now, personally I've never understood the squeamishness of men when it comes to THAT time of the month, and in fact the second ever job I ever did was whilst I was having a full period. I was only 20 and given that menstruation is something I view as totally natural, I honestly didn't think guys would feel any differently...WRONG.
My second ever job was a guy named Steve*, and he was one of the few men I've ever met that was perfectly ok with the idea of sex during a period. However, the older guy I met after him held a very different view...he in fact stormed out and rang my then agency demanding his money back.....
Now this brings me to the old "bath sponge" .....a familiar trick of the trade to any escort who's ever been caught at the "wrong" moment.....(and yes, we all have). Now for those of you who are unsure what I mean when I refer to the "bath sponge trick", it is basically what escorts do when they suddenly get their period and they NEED to work....such as when they're on tour and absoloutely booked solid, or just really broke and need to make money.
I found myself in this exact predicament whilst on tour in Cork, Ireland. I'd sorted the hotel, arrived, got changed, made up, and was all ready for business....and then it arrived.....and a quick trip to the bathroom confirmed that Liverpool were well and truly playing at home. FUCK!! Only an escort knows what that feels like, and how the crimson tide always picks the time when you most need to make money to arrive. I had a punter arriving in an hour, so what to do? I decided to call my friend, a very experienced Russian escort named Svetlana* who operates in Ireland periodically under an assumed Scandinavian alias and nationality. Now I shall digress slightly here just to tell you that this lady is the BOLLOCKS. I LOVE HER!! She has got to be one of the most shrewd businesswomen I ever met, and razor sharp to boot. She is 38, but gets away with advertising on one of the main Irish sites as a 28 year old Scandinavian...and her reviews are always great so she can obviously pull it off. She once had some smart ass punter turn up and try to speak to her in the Scandinavian language of the country she advertises as being from...and she was able to answer him fluently....class or what? Anyway, a series of texts followed between myself and Svetlana regarding what I was going to do about my little "problem":
Me: "Hi hun, I've got a punter coming in an hour and I just got my period..what should I do?"
Svetlana: "Ok babe, lie down, spread your legs apart.. get a tampon....use plenty of lube...and push it as far up inside you as you can, then twist and rotate. But make sure you put in a fresh one after each job. xx"
Me: "Yuck....that sounds really painful. Are you sure it doesn't hurt? What if they can feel it?"
Svetlana: "No babe, just push it up far, and I promise you it doesn't hurt and they won't feel a thing".
So, I followed her advice....I got the tampon, lubed up my "love corridor"...and attempted to push it up there as far as possible. But it didn't work...I wasn't able to "rotate" the tampon as Svetlana had instructed, and
it wouldn't stay in place and kept falling out. DAMN. Now what was I going to do? So I texted Svetlana again:
Me: "Babe, it keeps falling out. My crutch isn't big enough to turn it round and keep it in there.What do I do now?"
Svetlana: "My God woman, you are impossible!! Its not fucking difficult Ive been doing it for years!! Ok, do you have a bath sponge?"
Me: "No, but I can probably get one..."
Svetlana: "Ok, get a bath sponge tear off a piece, and shove it up there as far as you can otherwise they will feel it. Try and use a piece no smaller than a match box, otherwise it could get stuck up there and you won't be able to get it out. Make sure you put a fresh piece in after each job."
It was a sunday, and after a a lightning speed dash round the centre of Cork, I was able to find NO open chemists. All the time, my appointment was getting closer and closer, and I was still bleeding. Eventually, I was able to find a Convenience store close to where I was staying that sold pan scrubbers...you know, the kind with the green gauze like stuff on top, and the yellow sponge at the bottom. Time was now of the essence. "That'll have to do" I told myself. Back at the hotel, I squeamishly cut off a piece of the yellow sponge at the bottom of the scrubber, lubed myself up and shoved it up there.....
Anyway, the booking came and went. Luckilly, the sponge stayed in place, despite the fact the punter was banging away like there was no tomorrow, and there was no visible evidence after he pulled out. So far, so good. After he left, I then stuck two fingers up there to try and get the sponge out....but I couldn't feel it. It had gotten so far wedged up there that I couldn't get it out!! I ended up spending the next hour crouching down in all manner of weird and wonderful positions in order to get the right angle so that I could get my fingers up there to reach the piece of sponge and actually pull it out. Hilarious as it may sound, be very careful when resorting to the "bath sponge trick" ....only use it if you absoloutely HAVE to work during your period. On another, and more serious note, make very sure you put a piece in large enough for you to reach up and remove after each job, and never leave it stuck up there longer than necessary. It could cause a serious infection, and I am now on antibiotics due to a suspected infection of my fallopian tubes which I think may have been caused by this, although the doctor at the G.U.M clinic thinks it is sexually transmitted. Ahh...the things we do for love...(sarcasm)
